The explanation is simple: I have been on a slippery slope of reeeally bad choices almost every single day, and I was not excited about the confession part of this gig. But, as I said in the beginning, it doesn't help anyone (least of all, me) if I gloss over the hard days (or omit them entirely, as was my wish)... the struggle is part of this process whether I like it or not, and it's important to me that the people who compliment me on what a good job I'm doing know that I'm NOT doing a good job.
I wake up with the best of intentions, and then at some point in the day (usually as I'm leaving work), I say eff it, who am I kidding, I'll never lose this stupid weight, etc. etc - and go completely off the rails. And then the next morning I try again.
I've been trying to examine the factors that have brought me to this self-destructive phase, but because I am not a psychologist, I can only conjecture.
Let's see, I love where I live, but I am not too happy with my life right now; although I got two more jobs, they haven't started yet, and they're not going to pay off in time to prevent another dip into my future inheritance to pay June's bills. I am almost always lonely, which surprises me because when I left South Carolina I was looking forward to some "M time." I am not a "joiner" of groups, I haven't met any new friends, and don't have anyone to hang out with. That sounds juvenile, I know, but I guess I hadn't realized how much I would miss that. So I think I am also bored, but too lazy to do anything about it. I spend almost every waking minute in this apartment in front of the computer, when I know there are other, more productive things I could/should be doing. Maybe that's why I feel like sabotaging my efforts, because I feel guilty or ashamed of myself for not being the active, successful person I was hoping to be. Then I perpetuate that by eating bad things and feeling sorry for myself.
WTF.
Anyway, that's the preamble to the next few journal entries. Maybe this process of confession will bring about the end of this phase... I hope so.
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